0 or 15, it’s nobody’s business but your’s and your spouse’s.
From the time I was young, I knew I wanted to be part of a big family.  When I met my husband, who is the oldest of seven, I’m pretty sure that one of our first conversations was about how I wanted nine kids (yes, that’s right). And I knew that he wanted a big family, too. So it only makes sense that 4 years into our marriage, we have 3 children and are still planning on having more in the future (God willing, of course).
But you can imagine the questions we get from my family, all who have 2 kids, when I say that I want a big family: “three kids IS a big family!”, “You want MORE kids!?”, “WHY?!”.
To answer all questions very bluntly: yes, we want more kids, and no we don’t care what you think because it’s none of your business.
I’ve heard so many people say that they’re sick of everyone asking if they’ll have kids soon, or if they’ll have more, or when they’re going to start trying. And the same can be said for when you have more than 2 kids. Suddenly the opposite happens: they want to know when you’ll stop having kids or if you know what makes babies.
Here’s the bottom line: whether you choose to have 22 children or would rather just have a cat, it’s no one’s business but your’s and your spouse’s.
What happens in the bedroom between a husband and wife is just that: between a husband and a wife. And no one else.
I’m guilty of it too! I’ve jokingly asked when someone is going to have another baby… until I spoke with someone who had been struggling with infertility for years. She told me about how hard they tried for their first but just couldn’t make it happen again. And then she told me about how much that question hurt her each time someone asked it… even as a well-meaning joke.
I know a woman who wanted to have more than just her two children but her husband was dead-set against it. They would fight constantly after someone asked if they’d ever want another.
How about the couple who have a child with special needs as their first? They get asked if they’ll ever have another, and if they do, will they be able to give their first enough attention.
You never know the struggles people are having.
It’s best to leave peoples’ bedroom business alone. If they need help or advice or want to vent, they’ll ask.
Do you know anyone like this? Is it you asking the questions or are you on the receiving end?
Jamie @ Medium Sized Family says
Yes! We have 5 and constantly get the Are You Done? question. (In fact, I blogged about it here http://www.mediumsizedfamily.com/are-you-done-having-kids/) The most amazing thing is when people are flat out offended by your large family size, even though it really doesn’t affect them. We don’t ask any of these people for help with babysitting or money or any other manner, so why are they so bothered by our family size?
I think this subject really touches a nerve for so many parents. You are right, we are all doing what is best for us!
[email protected] says
Exactly, Jamie! Unless someone is constantly asking for free babysitting or help with money, it shouldn’t be an issue of how many children you have! I only have 3 and people truly are offended! I’d never really thought of it that way, but they are!
Dolly@Soulstops says
Yes…it is a personal question, better not asked….especially, you don’t know if someone has battled infertility and may have had only one child, like us…
[email protected] says
Exactly, Dolly. It’s just better to just be cautious when asking about other people’s fertility in ANY manner.
Shecki @ Greatly Blessed says
It’s funny, being parents of bio kids and adopted kids, I got WAY more comments on how many kids we had before we started adopting. I guess people realized no one adopts accidentally, so we must be doing this on purpose. It’s not that we’re too stupid to master birth control after all!
[email protected] says
Heaven forbid someone actually WANTS kids in this world! So often, people see children only as ball and chains instead of the blessings that they are.
Alison says
Good point! Sometimes we innocently say things that we should think about first and of course should all respect each other’s choices. 🙂
[email protected] says
It’s so true, Allison! It truly could be so innocent, but it could really hurt someone. It’s all about respect and love! 🙂
Hannah@SeeingtheLovely says
Thank you for such a great reminder! My husband and I don’t have any children yet (we’ve been married just over a year) and have gotten the question off and on. It doesn’t bother me too much, but I know friends who have not been able to have children and I know that the question can be very hurtful.
I also am hoping to have a big family and don’t appreciate when people assume that you’re irresponsible or that you don’t know what you’re getting into. Sometimes you just have to smile and be gracious about people’s opinions.
Thanks for the good words!
[email protected] says
It’s true, Hannah! Heaven forbid you actually WANT a big family. Or heaven forbid you only want ONE child! Or none! No matter what the situation is, people always seem to have their two cents to put in.
Leslie says
We have five. I cannot tell you how many times I head “Are you done yet?” and “don’t you know what causes that yet?” Actually, most of that stopped after we had four which seems to most people to indicate that you are a special kind of crazy and there is no point talking to you about it anymore. I wanted one more, and actually miscarried our 6th child, so I know that the “are you done” question can be very painful.
[email protected] says
The “don’t you know what CAUSES pregnancy” question irks me to no end. Obviously, I do. But thanks for the offer to teach me high school health class again. I’m sorry about the pain these questions have caused you and many others. I hope that this post and others like it will make people think twice about passing comments like that.
KayC. says
I have been blessed with six wonderful children! I also am from Wyoming and the small town we lived in had families of 9 or more, so we didn’t get a lot of “HOW MANY????” But when we moved to Alabama we got a lot of it. And they where more surprised when they found out that all six were from one set of parents, my husband and I. Now that they are all “grown up”, starting families of their owns and I am the one who asked about having more. I glad they understand that I love our grandchildren and would love to have a bunch. Right now we have been blessed with 16 grand children!!!! Our motto is “Together is Better” , which is what we all feel no matter if we are at our farm or 1000 miles apart.
[email protected] says
I absolutely love that you try to keep your family so close! It’s really hard dealing with distance and trying to stay connected.
Rebecca says
I only had one child and wanted more. My daughter hasn’t been able to have a baby yet. We know people who have large families. I think you said it right – as long as you and your husband agree the choice is up to you.
[email protected] says
Exactly, Rebecca. It really is only up to the husband and wife in any scenario.
Sarah Eliza @ devastateboredom says
So good!! And I appreciate you that you mentioned the other side too — that some people don’t want kids, or want a small family, and that’s nobody’s business but their own either…
[email protected] says
Exactly! No matter what, the only people whose opinion matters are the husband and wife.
Leanne@crestingthehill says
I envy mums who want large families – I knew my limitations and stopped at two, but i always had a secret yearning for four! Have as many as you like and make the world a better place! 🙂
[email protected] says
I like the way you looked at it, there, Leanne! I’ll do my best! 🙂
Nicole Anderson says
I love this post. I did not know that people actually ask when a couple is done having children, Seriously?? Wow. That’s so rude! You will never hear me ask anyone about when they’re getting married, or anything related to babies. You’re right – it is a personal decision between only you and your partner. Period. You never know what kind of issues people are dealing with in their life and how a seemingly innocent question might really hurt. PS love your blog! I checked it out recently and forgot to tell you how great it is! I have one too that has been neglected for way too long. Maybe it’s time to get back on that saddle!
[email protected] says
Thanks, Nicole! You’d be shocked at who asks if we’re done with having kids (like my own parents). It really is personal. And you should get you blog going again! I’d love to read it!
Michelle @ Moms Are Frugal says
This is very well said..it is not very tactful to ask someone when they are done having kids. We currently have 4 but would like more children. I would be happy with 6 because I do want a large family. But, I am also happy with the four God has given to me! Great thoughts.
[email protected] says
It really isn’t factual, Michelle. I mean, what kind of information could you possibly hope to glean from asking?
Heaven says
We always get incredulous looks when people find out we have 6 girls. Not just six kids…..but six GIRLS! No we aren’t going for a boy, no we never were hanging on for that one boy to be done having kids. God gave us six gorgeous spirits to raise and there isn’t a doubt in our minds they were meant to be ours. And I couldn’t ever imagine not having one of them in our home. My husband has had to deal with the most negativity at work. Thankfully at church we have a strong community of like-minded souls. Even our critics are soon won over when they see the girls behave responsibly and maturely. I guess it’s all a matter of each person’s perspective. But, yes indeed, it is no one’s business but the husband and wife!
Do you know how much I like your blog? A lot! I find myself here often. 🙂 Great writing.
[email protected] says
Thank you so much, Heaven! And six girls, that’s so wonderful! I’m so glad that your church is full of supporters for you! That’s where we find the most community, too. For some reason our husbands get the most credit for the gender of our children. I know genetically it IS determined by them, but I mean more from other men: my husband has gotten pats on the back for having three boys, but his father got a lot of “oh you poor thing” for having 5 daughters. It’s strange that’s how it works, isn’t it?
Pamela Shank says
Great article! I cannot believe the things people have the nerve to ask anymore.
[email protected] says
Oh my goodness, I know Pamela! It’s crazy, isn’t it?
Susan B Mead says
So very true, 1, 2, or 22. Or desperately trying. Some things are best left unsaid. Thank you for sharing! Hugs Susan
[email protected] says
Exactly, Susan! It’s just best not to say anything in a lot of cases.
Tiffany @ A Touch of Grace says
I totally agree with you. It’s no one’s business but your own. As long as you’re paying your and your family’s way, I see nothing wrong with it.
[email protected] says
Exactly, Tiffany! That’s especially true.
Lisa B. says
You are so right! It’s no ones business how many kids you have or if you choose not to have kids. I am on the side of having A LOT of kids. When my husband and I met I had 3 children from my first marriage and my husband didn’t have any children. We were married for 2 years when I got pregnant with our 4th child and we thought we were done. Oops! I guess not because we had a 5th. You would not believe the comments that I got from co-workers and family when we told them about baby #5. Thanks for sharing this post and linking up with us over at the Welcome Home Wednesdays Link Party!
[email protected] says
It’s so amazing how many moms have said the same thing! I’m so lad I’m not alone in this!
Deb- It's me, debcb! says
I totally agree. I was only able to have one baby and I got the “when are you going to have another” question all the time. It hurt. Thanks for linking up at the Best of the Blogosphere Linky Party!
[email protected] says
I’m so sorry to hear that, Deb! I really hope that we (myself included!) will think twice before saying something like that, even in jest!
shantel says
It can be hard when people say those things but I just ignore tham ;0) I know I’ll do what my spouse and I feel is best anyway and just try to think of some witty remark or I just stare at them, haha!
Carrie says
My husband and I are constantly asked if we are done and we only have two but we have a boy and a girl. Everyone assumes that we are done because we have one of each but I really want more. Ideally I would like two more but my husband only wants one more. So I guess I will settle with one more! 🙂
Caroline says
That’s so true! As if all of the sudden having one of each is what we’re all striving for and once you have it, you don’t ever NEED to have another. Heaven forbid you’d want another. I have kind of the opposite problem: I have 3 boys so we’re constantly asked if we’ll be trying for a girl. Well, yes, but we wanted a big family regardless of the amount of boys or girls we had.
Hannah Atkinson says
I always wanted a larger family – 3 or 4 children. Sadly, I became unwell during my pregnancy and after and then my husband left. I fund it very hard at first when people who had a baby at the same time as me, went on to have second or even third children but I’ve now accepted it and I’m very happy that I have such a strong and special relationship with my son. However, even though I am a single mum with disabilities, people still ask me if I will have more children! I simply reply ‘how?’!! Thanks for linking to #featurefridays
Emmy says
Yes!! Thank you!! I will admit in the past I too had been guilty of this, until my brother got married and they thought his wife was never going to be able to have kids. When I saw how hard it was for her all those years, I just learned you never know and best to mind your own business. Funny how three had become the big family. I grew up in a family of 6 kids; always thought I would have 4 or 5, but due to health concerns we have a “big” family of three kids.
Caroline says
It’s true, Emmy! People look at our family like we’re the Duggars (with the number of kids, not the scandals!) with our three kids! I mean, calm down people!
Tina Marie Ernspiker says
Love this post! We are featuring you tomorrow on the #laughlearnlinkup. Stop by and share 🙂 Thanks, Tina
Caroline says
Thank you, Tina!!! And of course I’ll stop by!
Haley @ Haley's Vintage says
I love this post! We have 3 kids and are done. But it seemed like as soon as we left the hospital people would ask if we were going to have another. I was like geez I just gave birth and wanted to say some crazy hormonal stuff, but thankfully I caught my self. Lol! Thanks for linking up with Laugh and Learn Link up, Haley
http://haleysvintage.com
Caroline says
That’s so crazy! Right after you had a baby!? Do people KNOW that business is closed for at least 6 weeks?! Not to mention not everyone wants to have Irish Twins!
Renee (@mendedandblended) says
We have 4 kids and would like to have more…we are just a little nervous about tho (for several reasons). Its amazing how so many people think that 2 kids should be the limit, lol. Sometimes, I think when someone sees another family enjoying their kids, wanting to have more kids, truly believes that children are a blessing from the Lord…..Sometimes I think that makes people feel a little guilty because they don’t really enjoy their kids and are constantly wishing their kids’ lives away and are anxious for them to grow up and get out of the house. I’m not judging others for only having 2 kids, that’s a choice (sometimes, and sometimes God works it out that way) each family has to make for themselves, but it’s just funny to me to see people thinking its so weird to have 4, 5, or 10 kids. We have had so much fun with 4 kids. I love having a house full 🙂
Caroline says
I love having a full house too, Renee! There’s something fun about the chaos!
Valerie says
I have four kids and even though my life may look “busy’ and I have gotten the “you have your hands full” comments… I wouldn’t trade it for the world! Children bring so much life and joy and certainly many happy moments. Thank you for linking up with #100HappyDays!
Caroline says
It’s so true, Valerie! I love my crazy, hectic, LOUD world!
Kayla Reinert says
This is a great encouragement. i do find it hard to not ask sometimes though myself! I think it depends on how close you are with the person for that conversation to come up. Thanks for sharing on the Faith Filled Parenting Link-Up!